Almost there!

A friend just fixed my old phone. I wonder if my high emotionality is just me coming down from my ADHD meds or whether I will actually be flooded by feelings and memories when I see any photos/videos I may have there from my last relationship. The one and only boyfriend I ever loved. And man, did I love him.

It’s ironic. I think it’s just the meds plus me never having been friends with someone that I loved so deeply and with whom the bond was broken -at least in that capacity-.

Baby, I burn bridges. Till there’s nothing but ASH.

In my defense, I had to before. Cant really find a path forward with abusive family members that do not wish to acknowledged in any way the trauma they inflicted. Cant really forgive and forget the 18 yo that orally raped you when you were 7. And so on, and so on.

I perhaps (and this is a big perhaps) could have eventually forgiven my best friend. Oh, how I loved her. So, so much. So very much. To realize she made racist jokes over the phone with me in the vicinity thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal to me, when actually she had never discussed this with me, whoa, that really took me out.

Maybe to her it wasn’t a big deal, but I had just come back from drinking aya in the Amazon, and though my anxiety increased and I limited myself in many ways, I am glad it happened the way it happened. All of it.

Ignorance may be bliss, but I chose to know. Myself, my environment, “my” people. And I found a young woman terribly hurt by so many things. A fucked up environment. And people that didn’t actually had my best interests at heart.

I’ve worked on the first. I’m learning to accept the second (while still wishing to leave my mark against the bad, for the good). And the third one…when/how do you forgive? Because I have noticed that, unless it’s love, I don’t actually care that much about my relations. Unless it’s someone that would put their life on the line for me, I don’t care to spend that much time with someone.

I don’t really know how to regulate less-than-rock-heavy feelings. Especially in this case. The man I thought was the love of my life. Now he’s like a friend. I say like cause he needs a lot of space but we do see each other twice a month, maybe? I used to want to talk to him more, but now it’s less.

If I’m not in awe of someone, as in, loving them deeply, it’s ok, it’s alright, it’s…dismissable.

When we spend time together, like today, I can feel affectionate towards him but…I do feel a certain sense of overwhelm in dealing with this not-quite-so new closeness.

I definitely need to start reading books about the social skills of ADHDers. And books about HSPs (Highly Sensitive People). And continue my workbooks about sexual trauma. I think these three elements make it uneasy for me to make/keep friends.

I also think I never had to face someone not faulting in their obligation to love me. He had none. So if he did, nice, and when he didn’t, nice too. The delivery of the breakup was shit and, yeah, there were glaring issues in the relationship I hadn’t been in a position to see/face in a healthy way at the time. It took like another year for me to stop loving him, and that only fully came to be when I realized that, as friends, he was setting boundaries he absolutely wouldn’t have when we were together. But also, that was just that the relationship hadn’t been that tested before. I don’t think it would’ve survived, anyhow. He’s a fair winds sailor, for sure.

And the sea hates a coward – Eugene O’Neill

And I guess, having known and felt his support before, it broke my heart to see he could one day give it and, the next, not. Well, there were signs but…yeah.

It’s life. So now, the path towards forging a friendship needs to be trekked. How do people even overcome being annoyed/mad towards a friend and not tell them, or tell them lovingly when I’d just want to snap at them? Today he was explaining something about my SDS chuck for my drill, and I wanted him to set it in a different position, and I slightly told him: HAMMER. As in, set the drill in that position. In my defense, I had told him like 2 times before and he’s also neurodivergent so he tends to talk over sometimes, so I only feel half bad.

So yeah, I think I will be alright when I have to dispose of whatever it is I find on that phone. If my period is coming, maybe I’ll tear up, but that’s it.

And that’s ok. It’s normal.

I’m ready to try a relationship, be happy in it, and put new photos/videos on this phone.The new one.

The new me.

Resolutely my own,

L.

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