Thinking it through

So, I could mention all the smaller things that are making me feel nervous right about now…but I know what the main one is about: maturing pains. I am scared and feel without a safety net, but I must still push myself and study for my upcoming exams, which will be once again physical. I dislike being one of the very few brown people in the immense exam hall; being (perhaps) the only mature student in the room; the possibility of running into assholes from my previous faculty (though that one is less likely). And I don’t even know where my student card is; I must find it or cancel it before the exams, and still, I’ll have to explain myself when I’m sitting taking a test. I guess I can put my ID next to it, since the student card is half-peeled off? I hate crowds, and I hate having my student card examined while I take a fucking test.

If the uni really cared about C-PTSD students, they’d let us take tests in smaller rooms. They’d control our info upon entry instead of walking around us. They’d do more, regardless.

And then, even if I pass these exams, I always discourage myself thinking I gotta get through Stats. And even if the glorious day when I pass Stats were to come, I’d have to learn Dutch or choose a master in English. The thought of it all brings me anxiety and not precisely a hopeful beacon of (future) happiness. But I’m more OK now with the fact that I must study to stay in the country; and that it must be Psychology since I like it well enough and I’m damn good at it. At least now I can acknowledge my reluctance to change, because I fear it, and because I very much bind novelty with negative connotations. But this is clearly no way to live, and I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life dragging my feet for whatever comes next. I guess this is the part where I lament the lack of companionship, but I’m trying to work on it, and I just, right now…feel quite overwhelmed.

Ah! Some biological clarity. A few days before my ovulation period, and with very little sleep, it makes perfect sense I’m feeling overwhelmed. There’s more going on, of course, but at least on the physiological side, some answers emerge.

I could say I want everything to stop but…that’s not true. What would be life, really, without this? Without the events and challenges I currently have and am tackling to the best of my ability? I can’t dream of what I’ve never had. And I don’t know if life will be utter shit once I get my bachelor…

But I still know I’d like to find out. However long it fucking takes, goddamn it. Life’s gotta be about something, and I don’t know if studying to become a therapist would be exactly my passions, but those are meant to be cultivated 🙂

So I’m in for the ride, however bumpy it may be!

Academically yours,

L.