Ho capito che ti amo

Luigi Tenco was this amazing Italian crooner in the 60’s, who sadly killed himself in protest of either a)his song not making it to the final of the San Remo Festival or, b)the fact that the audience chose a love song over a song about the Revolution as the other contender (which is what he said was the reason, in his note). Ho capito che ti amo, I knew I loved you, was released in 1964, in his album of the same name.

There is a Spanish and even a Japanese version, but the Spanish version 100% does not do it justice and, of course, makes his love for the woman justified because sHe sMiLeS to him. Fuck that noise. Relish in my high-grade translation right here:

Ho capito che ti amo
quando ho visto che bastava
un tuo ritardo
per sentir svanire in me
per temere che tu
non venissi più
I knew I loved you / When I saw your (one) gaze was enough / To feel the disinterest vanish within / To fear you would come no more

Ho capito che ti amo
quando ho visto che bastava
una tua frase
per far sì che una serata
come un’altra
cominciasse per incanto
a illuminarsi

I knew I loved you / When I saw that (but) one of your phrases was enough / To make an evening like any other begin, spellbound, to light up.

E pensare
che poco tempo prima
parlando con qualcuno
mi ero messo a dire
che oramai
non sarei più tornato
a credere all’amore
a illudermi a sognare

And to think that not long ago / Talking to someone, I began to say / I would never believe in love again, be hopeful, or dream.

Ed ecco che poi
Ho capito che ti amo
e già era troppo tardi
per tornare
per un po’ ho cercato in me
poi mi son lasciato andare

And so I knew I loved you / and it was already too late to go back / For a while I searched for indifference within / to then let myself walk in(to) love.

Is this not the greatest fucking song ever? Who hasn’t felt this way? For me, it’s been a while, but I remember. My friend’s student mentor. At first I just thought he was cool, but then I realized we talked a lot, and how I had confided a lot in him after my dad passed, and then when I had my abortion. But he had an on-off thing with his ex, and I knew I didn’t like that. It didn’t stop me from pining for that mf, but I do remember it took me some time to figure out I didn’t just like him, that I was very much feeling (unrequited) “love” for him.

Phew. Before ayahuasca and trauma therapy, I could stay fixated on a thought. I liked him on/off for 2-4 years. In the meantime I dated people, had one boyfriend, but I would go back to thinking about him in my “down time” between other men. Definitely not healthy. I’m so proud now, that when I did fell head over heels for someone -my ex-, trauma therapy and my own self-growth didn’t make this a hellish experience. For a year and a half relationship, the most meaningful of my otherwise irrelevant -or terrible, like my other ex here- relationship history, it only took me a year to be 95-99% over him. Which is exactly where you want to be when you’re still single with not much in the horizon. I guess it’ll be 100% when I fall in love again.

Which brings me to this song. Next time it won’t be like with my ex. I will most definitely not be jumping all in based in how I feel. I’ll calm the fuck down and examine whether this person actually fits my values and lifestyle, regardless of how much I might feel like we need to get joint surgery like, yesterday.

I’ll (sadly) go back to at-some-point noticing I love a guy, versus feeling like we’re finally reunited. I must admit, the insane feeling of “I already know this person” is way more fun and exciting than the normal thing. But it is healthier. And healthy trumps thrilling every time. No more undivided attention, trust, and devotion without seeing whether it’s justified or not. And to my ex’s credit, he fell as hard as I did (if not more), because he really went stratospherically out of his comfort zone to be in this relationship, and we were happy, but perhaps it shouldn’t be that hard. And when he stopped feeling that way, it was dirrrty not to let me know sooner, and then blindside with a breakup the woman that from time to time asked him to check in on what he liked/disliked about the relationship, because I loved him and wanted him to be happy, and if there was anything, anything at all I could do differently, I would’ve done it, as my heart was his.

Kinda like when his heart finished jizzing, he just got out of mine and left me naked and alone in the bed. Suddenly, no more sentimental peaks to be had, and he stuck me with the hotel bill. So, clearly, not good enough for me. It’s so critical to not just filter out bona fide assholes, but to only get with those men that have generosity of spirit. Loads of love for themselves, for others, for humankind in general. He’s not a bad dude, but he definitely couldn’t handle love as a verb, an ongoing action, for a year and a half. Imagine a lifetime. I’m salty that in retrospect, I can’t call it love because if it were love, I feel it’d be ongoing, but if you ask 2019-2020 L? That woman was drooling for this man. But I know my excitement soon left his behind, and then the distances were unsurmountable. I don’t regret the past, but it leaves me such an uncomfortable feeling to know now I wouldn’t get involved with him. I love all things eternal, all things that defy our terribly fleeting years.

We’re so impermanent, and thus I hate that good things take time! They need to grow. They don’t just exist and you don’t just bump into them like some lucky kid. It’s not that I fear the moment I’ll be singing Ho capito che ti amo, it’s that it’ll be the first time I feel this way in a healthy way: feel it just a little bit. The exhilaration and pleasure of meeting someone I’ve realized I’ve come to love.

Although, to be fair, I think this song speaks more about attraction than love. By the time you love someone, you already know them well. It’s not butterflies and bullshit anymore. And it’s important that, by the time it’s love, there’s no more fear about what’s to come. If there’s fear, resistance, or in any way a reluctance to give oneself to this (new) opportunity to love, it might not be time yet, or it might not be the right person.

I can’t imagine having Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and loving someone that doesn’t understand why I’m so distrustful in certain situations. I can’t imagine having ADHD and loving someone that doesn’t understand unfinished projects are a feature, not a bug, for me. I can’t imagine loving someone that doesn’t accept me.

Same way I couldn’t love someone like my ex, who needs so much alone time, and never shares his moments of discomfort, as he’d rather smoke them out of himself.

I guess for me, Ho capito che ti amo would say: I knew I loved you when I didn’t even flinch because you had to study/work out of the city for a year (or two), because us visiting each other was the automatic must, not a nerve-inducing convo to be had.

I knew I loved you when I let you go to help your ex, and didn’t doubt for a second it was due to your good nature, not out of any unresolved feelings. When I wanted to help you help her as well, because instead of jealous, I just felt super proud you still gave a damn about a woman you want nothing from.

I knew I loved you when I saw you reading about C-PTSD, ADHD, feminism, and my history. Because regardless of the (positive) feedback you get from me about us, you still care to find out what makes me me, and don’t do the things you do for points, but because you genuinely are curious to always know more about your love.

Because love means to have a partner, right? Through the hardships that life means in general, and also through your personal hardships, and be able to focus on those, instead of whether or not that person will remain by your side or not. Two securely attached people, to themselves and to each other. Enjoying the ride. Working out the bumps. Over and over choosing themselves.

In the meantime, let us enjoy this song (oh, did I mention he was HOT?):

This short king and his almond-shaped eyes, the sharp little jaw, the little dip on the chin. The heart-shaped lips, the prominent but short nose that just goes with his whole face. The moody eyebrows, the tousled soft waves in his hair. And those EYES! Ladies reading this: when’s the last time you saw a man with an intense gaze, not just in his profile pics, poorly executed most of the time? I’ve seen vids of this dude and he always has this intense gaze 🖤.

We’ll be back after this short commercial break: People here in northern Europe have in such poor regard Mediterranean folks! I’ll buy into it when they stop vacationing and trying to tan in Turkey, Spain, Italy, Greece, etc… It’s just pure good o’le #Racism That doesn’t mean of course these people can just de facto deny their White privilege, or their Western European privilege (minus Turkey), so they can chill tf out on the bUt We’Re OpReSsEd ToO when talking to this brown Latina of the Global South.

Bask in this song about (what could be later) the beginning stages of Love:

Ah, I didn’t tell you! There’s someone I might want to ask out, but it’s forbidden! Haha, will leave you with this cliffhanger.

Lyrically yours,


P.S.: When the music stops and he says Ed ecco che poi, my heart SWOONS! It’s just so close to the boleros I grew up listening to with my abuelita 🖤.