How to lose a fuck buddy in 10 hrs or less

There was this cool show on Hulu called Casual. It was about two siblings (woman- older, man- younger) and their forays into the dating world. Well, the sister’s, since the brother had tons of experience fucking strangers, just not dating. The ending was kinda lame for him (sPoIlErS aHeAd), he still was unsure about everything in life and met this watered-down version of a manic pixie of Asian descent that didn’t want to “tie him down”, and then she’s pregnant, and he does the bRaVe thing: moves to wherever she was going to help raise his kid. Till the last minute, he’s unsure, and suffering, and offering to stay with his sister so he doesn’t have to face his very much real fatherhood. Either leave the character lost or give him a more dignified ending, hello!

So, before that shitty ending to that character, I remember seeing him checking from time to time his dating app (which he had wrote the matching algorithm for, hence the money to bang models/exchangeable (mostly) White skinny women), and finding no matches.

I thought his tag selection was what kept him from finding someone, but it looks like it was just this soppy ass bio.

I remember thinking that was so sad. I remember thinking he’s being too picky, or too irrational in the choices he makes. But so this profile, it was his “brave” attempt at being himself and trying to find someone that likes him for him, and not the money or looks (I know, poor cis, straight, rich White guy #TheStruggleIsReal).

And just keeping those two things separate, you know? The profile with which he fucks, and the one with which he hopes to find a mate. I hate having double anything, so what I do is I keep my Bumble to search for exactly what I want: a man up to 5 years younger/older than me, in a 50km radius, that’s defined himself as politically Liberal, not religious/agnostic/spiritual, and looking for a Relationship.

There are some, but the gross (in every sense of the word) majority is politically and sentimentally undefined. No tags, no responsibilities. Nothing to be pinned down for. But also, no opinions.

So, that’s my standard. And for fucking, it’s simply not conservative and not religious, or undefined, or other. I also don’t care whether they’re listing what they look for or not, because VAGINA is the common denominator (I’ll never understand how men think women would ever believe SEX is not what they’re majorly/primarily after. Ever wonder why women show very little interest online? It’s because they KNOW what you’re after, and cough*how slim the chances are you’d be any good at it*cough).

So, I guess the game people play on dating apps is men pretending not to want sex (that immediately, that “desperately”), and women pretending not to notice this fact/not wanting to leverage it, since we are cOlD aNd CaLcUlAtInG mAnIpUlAtOrS.

Well, newsflash. When you really do want to JUST fuck, and you don’t care for small talk, you get looked at like you’re a freak, or have issues, or something.

The thing men want the most is the thing men would also judge you for the most. Double Standard, meet my (hopefully not so willfully ignorant on sexism) readers. Readers, meet Double Standard.

So, two nights ago, other than just sex, and also to filter out any crazies, I did take the time to chat up this politically moderate asshole on Bumble. I could tell he was trying not to filter himself out of a fuck sesh, but even within that “normal” hypocrisy, he still seemed not unhinged, so we started coordinating how/when to meet.

Which we did. Yesterday. I could definitely tell he had made the effort to seem nicer over the phone, warmth is something that either lives in your eyes or it doesn’t. It didn’t in his. But I wasn’t there to fall in love, so I can roll with that.

But I still expect some goddamn (fuck buddy) manners, DUH!

I’m at this fucker’s place for 8 hours approximately, and all I get are cheese and crackers? The big tits you spent an hour massaging and licking don’t stay big on air, they require food. And he offered dinner as a way for me to stay longer in case he needed to convince me to go for a second round.

Mf, I came to see you for sex. I don’t need convincing. We can go for a second round (in which he came a minute after only having inserted the head of his dick in me). But if your interest in getting me off decreases at such speed after you came (he only tried for a half hour or so, to which I say, how long would he have tried if he was the one trying to cum), and you don’t take instructions well (he was fucking me with a silicone mold of his dick, but he was positioned against the foot of the bed, and I was by the header; meaning, the only stimulus I was getting was that. And he’s quiet. And he’s not really touching me with his other hand. You know what that feels like? Like you’re in a lab researching the female orgasm. When I told him, he laughed and said: The female orgasm is a myth! That’d be funny if in reality men were truly looking for ways to get women off, because then the “joke” would be absurd.). Which means…

You’re bad at fucking. You just are. Not because in your opinion you came without much effort from my part (not ALL petite women have tight vaginas, they may be shorter but that tightness that made you roll your eyes backwards? Yeah, that’s me keygeling every fucking day), does it mean that you get to put very little effort in getting me off.

Just fucking HOW does a 35 yo man not know that if a woman is on her back, he needs to retreat and not be super “on top” of her, but also NOT sitting up super straight for the angle to be right? How STUPID do you have to be? So FUCKING useless.

1. If the vagina is a cylindric cavity, and you’re sitting on your legs, if you realize the height of your thighs, there’s no way your dick is low enough on the bed to enter me. 2. if your dick is at 45°, how will it fit into my horizontally laid pussy? 3. You lay flat (but support your fucking self on your arms), go down on the bed so the head can meet the vulva, enter me, and then you can angle yourself higher or whatever (so, 3 can become 2, but can’t start at 2).
See? Even good o’le Jason Luv adheres to this rule, and he’s got a big dick that could probably start at an angle even, because he’s long enough that he could bend it to enter flat #BendItLikeBeckham. Also, have y’all noticed how the guy-on-top position is considered “intimate”, “romantic”, or whatever the fuck? What, looking at a woman’s face and acknowledging her humanity is too much? Geez, the capitalist roots of the patriarchy are showing in porn (hoard resources, no matter how little you value them).

And if and when you’re sexually satisfied, you’re clearly just prompting me to gtfo, then you’re also just a terrible host, and have also no manners outside of the bedroom.

Also, what kinda sex products are being made nowadays? If someone tells me they own a fleshlight with the suction attachment thingie, I assume they can handle muscular prowess. Also, men need to stop fucking lying about edging. If you knew how to edge, you could fucking hold the jizz in your balls.

There’s a BONE protecting female genitalia. I think this drawing is misleading because there’s so much space between the clitoris, urethra, and vagina(l canal), when in reality, all of this is in the vulva (which is what we mostly refer to when saying pussy). Well, the vaginal canal is not IN the vulva, but its entrance is in the vulva.

Having said that, if you’re literally thinking it’s omg so edgy to fuck a very short woman when you’re really tall (though even shorties with small dicks/insecure in general “target” short women, and I’m saying this because he made several comments about us “making it work” in terms of size), then ALL THE MORE REASON TO KNOW that my pubic bone is gonna create a sort of “suction ring” when you’re just entering me, and then it’ll be just muscle again when you’re fully in. But if “just muscle” is ALSO tight, the sort of “suction ring” that the pubic bone creates in MY pussy is all the more reason for what?

To NOT pull out in a haste! That HURTS! It’s not mind-blowing pain, it’s not harrowing pain, but it is sharp and quite uncomfortable! And it’s not just this asshole, that’s a comment I’ve had to make to at least 80-90% of the men I’ve fucked. That’s 50 men. Obviously, they learn, but how is this not in their minds already? My comfort, my anatomy, my individual body characteristics? My tightness you like so much isn’t just felt by you, I, the person you’re currently fucking, feels the same sensations you’re feeling. Such a fucking shame, the state of the sexual market. No wonder so many women opt out. To the men complaining that women aren’t jumping to their beds, other than the VIOLENT PATRIARCHY, this is why. You even have this sex-positive, forever-horny woman, wishing for a way to minimize her number of casual sex encounters, because they’re just THAT lame. So yeah, remove your finger slowly. Remove your dick slowly. Despite the titles you might read in PornHub, it’s not exactly like a sleeve, and you are fucking a human, so care and caution is to be had. You know, the same caution and effort you put into carefully going in? Yeah, keep that when you’re pulling out. Mfs.

And this is an encounter in which I came. Once, strongly enough. With his self-molded dildo, the first time. But that second session really showed who he is in bed (unwilling to try other things, unwilling to suggest new things, only willing to do one thing -for my pleasure, I mean-), and not much else. And off the bed, he’s also a waste of oxygen.

It’s really a shame I love dick so much because not just the dating quality, but the fucking quality of men in apps is so sorely lacking. There’s a BIIIIIG difference between liking sex and liking jizzing. If you like sex, you like the communal aspect of sharing with someone a naked moment (in every sense of the word), and you relish in giving AND receiving pleasure. Sex dolls are not getting talking functions and AI put in their chips for nothing. Toys are ever getting more complex and nuanced because those incels can’t fathom that an emotional connection with someone also means responsibilities towards keeping and enriching said connection. So, good luck getting the skin temp and feel right, and hopefully someone convinces them to do trauma therapy one of these days.

You gotta be willing to be intimate (for however long the fuck sesh lasts, including the breaks) for the sex to get high marks. Even if you like (only) casual, you gotta like women to bed them. Otherwise, it fucking shows. And it’s lame. When he dropped me off at the train station (on the way, we were talking about the language and he said Dutch borrows a lot from French, like in bordeaux, and I said oh really? they say bordeaux here too? And then he had the very white impulse to educate me in mentioning that bordeaux is a color, a wine, and a city in France. I mean, if it weren’t for my white savior, what would ever become of me, you know?). It’s like he couldn’t gather enough minuses, hahahaha. So when he dropped me off, I just said bye and got off. I had to stop by the supermarket inside the station to buy a €1.70(!!!!) croissant with ham and cheese that had almost no ham and cheese in it because I was fucking hungry, and when I sat to wait for my train, I unmatched him.

I could blame myself saying This is what I get for fucking moderates, but I’m choosing to view it as a neutral experience. Bad in some ways, good in others (I did have a relatively strong orgasm the first time -with his dick mold; and I ventured out. I went to a guy’s place! I’ve only done that with two guys since the breakup with my ex, but they were guys I had talked to for at least a month. I felt extremely safe. This time, I trusted my evaluating instincts, and I took the safety measures I always take (telling the guy I will take his pic when we’re together (clothed, duh), and that I will send it to a friend who knows I’m far from home/brought someone to my apt. If a guy is a creep he won’t want to, and/or if he’s a sexist that thinks women are out to get him and blame him for sexual crimes, he also won’t (in which case, WHY are you trying to fuck such an evil woman?). Either way, it’s a discerning win-win.

May y’all find a mate, or a friend with fuck benefits that you enjoy spending time with.

Sexually mine,

L.

P.S.: As usual, I haven’t edited so it’s always an ADHD-stream of consciousness type of post, however, I think I wanted to post more screenshots but I’m not a sexologist. If y’all have questions, doubts, whatever, educate yourselves from good, proper sources. Happy researching!