The way of the world

I made an appointment at a glasses store to have my eyesight measured two weeks ago. I have rescheduled it 5 times so far. Today, the store called me and asked me if I was coming today. The lady was so upset, so triggered by my not showing up. I wanted to even begin to explain myself but I could tell her mind was made up about me. I asked about what matters to me (that the optician speaks English and is female), and she said they’re both women, but that they don’t have good English -she being one of them, after chewing my ass for rescheduling it that many times in good enough English.

So, racism is a thing, and internalized sexism is also a thing. This is where my C-PTSD kicks in. I get so down that she already made up her mind about me without knowing me, without knowing why I have rescheduled it so many times. She feels so negative and frustrated that of course, I don’t feel like explaining myself. I ask if there’s a walk-in period, and she says they don’t have that, but she’s really begging for me to just cancel, and not go because she won’t service me in an OK manner. And if I won’t find understanding and already feel a negative vibe from someone, obviously, I’ll retreat. I won’t show up. I asked her to cancel my appointment -even though I really need it, my eyes get so tired when I’m on the laptop without my glasses.

I was nervous during my first visit to the optician, one and a half years ago. I felt like he was tapping his pencil against his board, I made rash choices, I felt what if some of the lenses are tricks because I see no difference between them. What if he’s purposefully fucking up my eyesight. I had headaches for the first week or so, allegedly adjusting to the glasses, but afterwards yeah, I never went without them. But I did fear for so many months to be getting used to a prescription that wasn’t just right, and utterly guilty for not speaking up about suffering anxiety (I did send an email afterwards, both complimenting the clerk at the front desk and speaking up about the optician that tapped his pen on his board). They definitely received it, I got treated so nicely when we picked them up that it was scary, lol (I mean, if someone goes from casual disinterest to hanging onto your every word, it’s fucking noticeable, would’ve rather honest politeness than “fear” of a bad review).

And now, I also fear going because what if I did fuck up my eyesight? What if I get a wildly different prescription, and it’s from bad lenses or whatever? I know it’s not likely, I’m just saddened I don’t think it’s highly unlikely. It is so tiresome to perceive so many potential threats to what, equilibrium? It’s not equilibrium what I feel right now, it’s a lot of the time barely hanging on, but nowadays, I know why that is. I’m not sleeping more than 5, 5 and a half hours every night, and it is fucking getting to me. I can do one, but not two big stressors at the time, and now I’ve been dealing with:

  • Mediation meeting coming up (Big Stressor)
  • Had 5 workers for a fucking shower fan installation a couple of days ago
  • One of the roommates finally left yesterday
  • But she was back a week ago so it was stressful trying to avoid her
  • I have to tell her there’s mold in her window and the floor isn’t swept, so she’s getting only part of her deposit back
  • The money problems were getting to me but I finally asked for help (and got it)
  • I had that big realization about my mom a few days ago, and that type of thing always needs some “down” time
  • I had a meeting with an academic advisor who may or may not support me during the mediation meeting, so I might have to tell him he can’t come after all (but I covered my basis so I feel good overall).
  • I also had anxiety about the optician because I only needed the measurement and wasn’t sure if I would immediately request glasses or not, because BUDGET.

The money thing already had me fucked, and now I am finally able to breathe, but then this mediation thing came up, and I fear I won’t be able to relax till that shit is over. And the normally usual stressors become just too fucking much when there’s this big “threat” that my brain perceives and has me on lowkey high-alert for so long 😥

There’s this evolutionary argument that ADHD’ers have the “warrior gene”. Meaning, short attention span for menial shit, but can focus the ever living shit outta themselves for what catches their eye (hunting, protection of the tribe, what not). If you couple that with my poor brain as a child, rewiring itself to perceive as many threats as possible in order to survive, then that’s the winning lotto number for stress shortening my lifespan and leaving me fucked.

This humble tribe is but of one, but yet still, I gotta look out after my tribe. I can’t relax until the looming “threat” has been resolved, and so must stay more or less on high alert until then. Even if this is solvable, I fear how I’ll feel if it doesn’t go my way, I fear deciding not to pursue this further could be perceived as me not loving myself, and I don’t want to do that. But I am ride or die when it comes to principles, and this is the right thing to do.

Can I choose myself by not choosing to fight for what’s rightfully mine (a second exam opportunity)? My people have already given up so much! Land, a sense of dignity, the respect for their women.

I think I must carry on, even if it’s just to say that I did. Let the chips fall where they may, but I’ll go all the way in fighting for what’s right.

I’ll just try not to wreck my mind and sense of peace while I’m at it.



P.S.: After all, Gerard Butler and his painted sixpack said it best in 300: No retreat, no surrender.

Also, how fucking brave of me to do this for myself when I truly do battle my mental illness into not giving up, and still choosing to engage (as much as I can) with people.