Possible, achievable, DOABLE!

My mediation has been scheduled for the 11th, and it could not come fucking sooner/later. I wish it wasn’t happening at all. I can have an advisor there but, it’s gonna be another White ass person terrified for what it might entail to be there, doing fast math in their head as to whether to be an ally or not (if they even know how). It’s with (but I should really say against) the Board of Examiners. Not having institutional support when I’m forced to “mediate” my case, as to why two hWhite men don’t think me having Complex PTSD is good enough of a reason to have missed a physical exam in November is…utterly tiresome.

But it’s my life. It’s my lot in life. Me choosing to live in this country (where sexism doesn’t kill but it will keep you out of higher management) means these are NOT the last two clueless hWhite men I shall face in my time on Earth. At least this shit is online. I’ve faced them on my own before, one more time (out of GAWD knows how many more) won’t kill me. I sincerely don’t know whether it would actually make me stronger or not, but I do know it will desensitize me to future cry babies in PWI (Predominantly White Institutions) positions of power, when they get to hear -in no uncertain terms- that their beloved institutions, and their never-criticized styles of management, suck ASS.

I have an exam on the day of the (first) proposed date, I inform the Board I am free after 3pm. The secretary answers noting the exam ends at 2.15pm, but proposes 4pm and a different, earlier date. I take the earlier date and tell him I have extra time due to ADHD, and whether he could confirm if I also registered my C-PTSD diagnosis for extra time during exams. He tells me I did not ask for extra extra time for my exam provisions.

Oh, and last time the mediation was half-solved in my favor. Even though I was still doing both trauma therapy and about to start ADHD therapy, the Board insisted I could only do 1st and 3rd year courses next year if I passed one of my 1st year courses this academic year (I owe two stats courses from the 1st year).

Now, it’s about having my second exam opportunity, extemporary for those who missed a physical exam opportunity. Is it my problem if the Board issued different instructions but emailed a clear fucking cut message? No it is not. That email said the only requirement was to only have made use of one exam opportunity, which I have, the online resit. It did not specify it was limited to physical resits, so why is he all up my ass?

Me, the brown immigrant from outside of the EU that does not speak the language, got beat up and emotionally abused by her very Dutch ex; got bullied in her first faculty here; ignored by the police when she tried to report the ex; did 2 years of trauma therapy to shake the history of sexual abuse and perennial emotional abuse and neglect. Older student (just turned 34), below the poverty line (I just don’t qualify for the government help because I’m not Dutch), grey haired (fuck pretending), fat. My only privileges are being cis and straight, and since I don’t even dress the part, I’m at least half the time considered queer (while honored, it’s not the case, and I’ll never claim that prejudice amounts to anything someone actually not straight goes through on a daily basis).

So what is that small man’s deal?

I mean, I think I know. I fucking know, I just find it so fucking APPALLING that mental Neanderthals have positions of power, in a faculty that is supposed to examine both society and human behavior.

No one should have what he did not. If HEEEEEE did not have emotional support or institutional understanding to his very sowwwy, very difficult personal situation, no one fucking else should get them. Ever.

If y’all ever thought ignorant racists only belong in trailer parks or housing projects, you are DEAD wrong. What these sad sacks of shit can never get through their thick little well nourished skulls is that personal circumstances may or may not be informed by societal woes. If he had shit parents, that is indeed terribly sad, but there’s no long history of hWhite men suffer terrible parents because they’re male, or White, much less Dutch. If anything, allegedly, kids here score continuously high (if not first) as the happiest children in the world –that’s because no one has asked the children of color, but sure, let’s go with the statistics-.

If his wife left him because he cannot fucking take criticism, or his kids ended up doing drugs or booze a bit more than recreationally, again, that would be terribly sad, but there is zero connection between his identity to whatever sad shit occurred in his life.

My presence in this country was questioned by classmates when I criticized the Dutch government. If I go to the farmers’ market, some vendors give me a smirk and congratulate me on my English, while others do not even look at me while they serve me (my abusive ex was there and he cursed the guy in Dutch when he didn’t serve me, lol). That ex, actually, felt comfortable lying to the police in my face because he knew I did not understand what he was saying to the police, and actually convinced both cops it was a two-perpetrator type of situation (only reason why I didn’t report him to the police afterwards). The friend of the harassing neighbor, before I knew the extent of his grossness, once helped me with a bag from the main door to my apartment door (half a flight of stairs). I’ve had hWhite classmates coolly acknowledge me during class while putting Pepe The Frog memes in their presentations. Drunk men cursing me in Dutch when I ask them to let me pass in the city center -they were blocking the sidewalk with bikes. Couldn’t they fucking put their two shitty bikes sideways? I’ve had that abusive ex call me a negertje (no idea how it is spelled), a fat POS, and a long ass etc.

The university made me, for two consecutive years, request yearly residence permits when my credits necessary to graduate warranted at least a two-year extension. Only after complaining to the National Ombudsman, did they acknowledge the credit issue, plus I told them I plan to study my master here and so, if my permit is always tied to academic performance (meaning, if I don’t get enough credits, I’m literally deported), why the fuck are they making me spend money and traveling to another city?

Now they’ll give me one for 5 years. They did not waste the opportunity to remind what I know for the past 4 years, that it is tied to my academic performance. They refused to tell me what provision allowed for this, as they had denied it was possible. (Don’t worry, I’ll get them once I get it)

What part of this sounds personal to y’all? Where, in all of this, do my struggles sound utterly personal (“and therefore, my problem”)? And even if they were, would you, as academics in charge of student formation, deny me this fucking opportunity that the fucking email says I’m entitled to anyways?

This kind of childish hate reminds me of my mom. It was her justification for so many things: I didn’t grow up with it, so why should I coddle you with it? Even if he had been under sexual abuse, statistically speaking, it’s more likely to happen to me than to him. A (grown) man should know that. An educated man should know that. An educated man in charge of students developing should know that.

Even if all these things were terrible things coming from privilege or whatever (idk, a gambling addiction from my many trips to Liechtenstein), I deserve empathy. And I’m not asking for a diploma, or a passing grade, or anything of the sort. I’m asking for a second (not third, nor fourth) exam opportunity.

I only leave my home for appointments or meeting someone specifically. No hobbies to take me out of the house, both from lack of funds and lack of friends and intense avoidant coping mechanisms.

Would you leave the house with all this shit? And this is what I can recall quickly, and being mindful of the blog post length, it’s not (by far) my entire life. Date rape, scammed by a landlady (and ignored by the police in this too when she went into my room and took my passport unless I moved out mid-month, even though the rent had been paid, plus the deposit). Oh, the Netherlands has been good to me honey…So good.

Again, this doesn’t even take into account the 20+ years I lived in LatAm. These are Dutch issues, caused by Dutch people, hindering me in the Dutch system. Does he give an ounce of importance to this? No.

If HEEEE pulled himself up by the bOoTsTrApS, sO sHoUlD eVeRyOnE eLsE :S :S :S :S

Should I read his research? I feel like I would laugh. I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not, because the more connections I can make to how his self-hating brain works, the less I’ll be able to pretend I respect him during the meeting xD I shall ponder this.

The President was once semi-helpful. I submitted my ADHD diagnosis for extra exam super late, so it couldn’t be used in the block I submitted it in, but it was immediately accepted for the following blocks, and he suggested to write to my teachers to ask them individually. First time I ever saw him was for the first mediation, and he seemed to not have anything to do with the decision (about doing 1st and 3rd year courses in parallel). He had me explain my plea again and said: Oh ok, now I understand what this request is about. Mf, what? Have you fully delegated your job to the angry troll you keep as a secretary?

So, yeah, no allies in that meeting. I checked with a uni psychologist and she said she couldn’t argue in my favor, and that for emotional support, I should ask someone I already know. Her email was sweet but again, not really helpful. I have also emailed the advisors from the faculty, and I doubt it’ll be any better. Still, I did it. I put the help request out there. If (when) the advisors say they cannot be there because the request came too late (I got the date today, but thanks for letting me know I pay your salaries for nothing), should I ask someone I know? Who? I wish I had an older mentor that cared for me, that would be an ideal situation. Even if my mom could/wanted, she doesn’t speak full English. Understands it fully, but doubts her ability to speak it. And besides, I want someone that is even in the country, for starters. Before, I maybe would have wanted my ex (the non-abusive one), but he’s not reliable. He just called to cancel the meeting on the 30th. I was looking forward to that one, could use some TLC. Oh well. He doesn’t reschedule, but I don’t give a shit. I have another test on the 12th so I asked him about that date and he was on board. If he can’t there either, I guess I’ll have to more actively find a FWB on Bumble again (an idea I find quite unappealing at the moment), but I’m left with no choice. Bodies are meant to be touched.

I just hope I can muster enough excitement to meet someone nowadays. To be perfectly honest, the only breakup that has me bothered right now is the latest realization about my mom, and how I have no one to share my day with (in a meaningful, constant way). I must live within, be self-contained, and soothe myself. None of those are bad things, but they can be hard when you haven’t been taught how and love and affection haven’t been constants in your life.

At least now I find some resignation in the state of facts. I have to do these things for me because there’s no other way around it. I have to find a way to self-soothe and be fine (ideally happy) by myself because there is no other option at the moment. I have to wade these difficult times and the ones that will come because that’s what my life consists of right now. Hunker down and work (study) hard so the dog days may soon be over.

While I may not have someone directly next to me, I am not alone in a desert island.

It just feels that way. And feelings aren’t reality. They’re feelings. Valid and fleeting. At least I’m studying now. That’s a new development. That never really happened consistently before.

Yay for me 🙂